Our children are born needing us to make every decision for them, and by the time they leave home, we hope that they are able to make all their decisions themselves (maybe with some occasional asked-for advice from Mom and Dad). Moving them along that path is often a challenge for parents. The Child Mind Institute has an article to provide you with some guideposts on when to step up and when to step back as your child learns to make their own decisions (also available in Spanish).

The article notes that learning to make decisions can start early, even with toddlers, by giving them two options that you are okay with (e.g., chicken nuggets or grilled cheese for lunch?). As they grow, you can help them learn by sharing how you are making decisions out loud. We make decisions all the time without really thinking that much about the process, but even something as simple as what to cook for dinner can be instructive: What do we want to have for dinner? Do we have all the ingredients for it? Do we have time to go to the store to get them? What else could we make?

As they get older, you can help them implement similar thinking with their decisions. Questions to have your child ask when they’re struggling with a decision include:

  • What decision do I need to make?
  • What are my options, including less-preferable ones?
  • What are the pros and cons of each choice?
  • Are there any rules (school policy, curfew, etc.) I need to consider when making my decision?
  • How will this decision impact others?
  • What is my gut telling me to do?
  • How does that decision make me feel?
  • What’s my plan B?

As you become more confident in their ability to make good decisions, you can begin to step away. It’s not always easy to do, but trusting them with little decisions prepares them for making their own big decisions down the road. At this point, if they come to you for help with a small decision, you can ask if they really need your help and encourage them to make the decision on their own. If it’s a big (or medium) decision, then you can acknowledge that and discuss it with them.

Part of this stepping away process is letting your child make bad decisions in some cases. As long as it’s a safe situation, you can let your child learn from mistakes. That means that perhaps you don’t drive to school to drop off the forgotten homework assignment or let them spend their allowance on a toy that will easily break. The important part of the process is to talk with them about why the unfortunate consequences happened and what they could do differently in their decision-making process. Remember, it’s not about blame, it’s about learning how to make good decisions.

Check out the full article for more information and suggestions on how to support your child’s learning to make decisions and how doing so builds their self-confidence.